By Marlis Jansen with Gabrielle Sills
Shame on…who?
I am sometimes completely mortified when I think about some of the things I have said or done around my children. If you use an Apple computer, you too are probably often distracted by memories as random photos pop up on your screen. Staring at an old photo of my two girls when they were toddlers (they will be sophomores in college this fall), I recently remembered how difficult it was to get them dressed and ready for school in the mornings. My most effective strategy for getting them to move more quickly, or to pay better attention to me in general, would often be to threaten to consult their teachers about what was happening at home. They never wanted their teachers to know about any problems at home. They were, after all, perfect in the eyes of their preschool teachers and wanted to keep it that way. When I did discuss their home behavior with their teachers, they felt completely ashamed. Just the threat of ever doing this got their full attention. They would do most anything to avoid feeling this shame. And I used this to my advantage.
And then recently, I thought of shame again in a totally different context. On an empty nest trip to Kenya a few months ago, Kjartan and I attended a coming of age ceremony for a teenage Samburu boy who had been circumcised that morning. I learned that the procedure is done without anesthesia, usually when boys are between the ages of 14 and 16. Each boy is not allowed to flinch or to acknowledge the pain in any way. If he does, he brings shame to his family forever. The severity of this consequence is such that most boys endure the grueling experience silently and without flinching.
These experiences got me thinking about the power and ubiquitousness of shame as a mechanism of social control. We mostly think of shame as a destructive psychological dynamic: as a way of criticizing others or impeding happiness and self efficacy. Shame can also be taken on by entire cultures — an example of this might be Germany after the Holocaust. Are there any benefits to feeling shame?
What is shame?
Shame is a primal feeling indicating that our internal moral compass deems something about us is not right. Said another way, it’s an internalized sense of badness. Shame engenders feelings of not measuring up, of not deserving to belong or to be loved. The motivation to avoid shame is so high for most people that the anticipation of being humiliated or feeling shame triggers either a change in behavior or a change of social group.
According to psychologist Erik Erikson, shame is a learned emotion. Babies begin to encounter the feeling during infancy. Then, starting around the age of two, they encounter it more often as they gain independence, comparing themselves to perceived expectations or norms. As we get older, the threat of it prevents us from doing socially unacceptable things like cutting the line, trampling people’s flowers, or running around naked (in most situations).
Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” She differentiates shame from guilt; shame is characterized by feeling bad about who we are, whereas guilt is characterized by feeling bad about something we have done.
Shame is therefore deeper and more powerful than guilt, because it is a self inflicted judgment on our moral integrity. ”Shame on you” is one of the harsher things we can say to someone. When I think back to my threatening to expose my kids’ obstreperous behavior to their teachers, I was sending them a message that there was something seriously wrong with them and that they should be ashamed of themselves. Yikes
When It Helps and When It Hurts
The ability to feel shame is viewed by Erickson and others as a sign of normal psychological development. Not only is it normal, but it is universal and cross cultural. As Brené Brown explains, it is “one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.” It follows from this that we want everyone to have the capacity for shame because empathy and human connection are so vital to thriving.
It is because shame is such a powerful social currency that it can be a force for good for society. Without the threat of shame, we would likely act with more self interest and do more things that are detrimental to the good of our communities, like hoarding resources or mocking people. However, while shame is an important element of basic moral development, most of the things about which we actually feel ashamed are beyond these parameters. It is to this unhealthy shame that we turn our focus now in this post.
Shame is a kind of wound to our sense of personal integrity and dignity, an affront to our self image. Continuous feelings of shame are thought to be both a cause and an effect of depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders. According to this Scientific American article, research has shown that people who have a propensity for feeling shame often have low self-esteem.
Shaming other people is tantamount to bullying. Inflicting it on others infringes upon their personal dignity or safety. The admonishment “Shame on you!” is, in most cases, an inappropriate use of shame. It is a common expression and I believe that most people don’t consider how harsh it is. And, as an outsider contemplating the Samburu circumcision tradition and rule that flinching would bring shame to the family forever, it seemed harsh and psychologically dangerous for the boys undergoing it. And here is where I have to acknowledge my own attitudes and biases as just that — my own.
Everyone experiences feelings of shame at one time or another during their lives. A common response to the experience of shame is to repress the feeling, to bury it deep inside and not discuss it. This can lead to hiding parts of ourselves, which can cause problems in relationships, work, and other aspects of our lives.
So even though shame can be psychologically damaging, it can also be problematic if we never feel any shame at all. Like any tool or technology, it must be used intentionally and very carefully. Too much shame and people can’t live openly or freely; too little could lead to sociopathy and chaos.
There’s Something About Money
Shame is culturally contextual. It is a deep emotion, and what evokes it varies widely across cultures (hence my interest in the Samburu example I mentioned earlier). We internalize what is “shameful” from family and cultural expectations. We are taught both implicitly and explicitly what is acceptable and unacceptable. We are taught to feel ashamed when we violate these guidelines.
Most people are taught to feel money shame. Ironically, this is true no matter how much money they have or don’t have and whether or not the money is earned or inherited. Every culture has its attitudes and stereotypes about money and wealth. In the United States, we demonize the rich and we demonize the poor. As the American middle class dwindles, more and more people deal with socioeconomic shame. Many have grown up in families that unintentionally perpetuate money shame, simply because they are unaware of it or don’t know how to address it.
It’s not unusual for wealth to be a source of shame for those growing up in a financially wealthy family. It can be extremely challenging to learn to authentically navigate relationships and social situations in ways that are genuinely rewarding and without being overly focused on hiding evidence of wealth. The cost of hiding can be great, quite often resulting in reduced self-esteem and identity confusion. Even in areas like the Silicon Valley where it is common to be wealthy, many people experience shame associated with wealth and status. And it’s hard for them to know what to do about it.
Social comparison intensifies money shame. The world, as Charlie Munger once said, is not driven by greed; it’s driven by envy. It has been documented that the more exposure we have to people who are wealthier, more beautiful, or have more powerful social networks, the less satisfied we become with our own lives. We are constantly bombarded on TV, social media, and elsewhere with images of friends, celebrities, and influencers, making us even more aware — and shameful — about our own lives and available resources.
Moving Toward Freedom
The reduction of shame might be the most important goal of wealth dynamics coaching because as shame dissipates, human connection, authenticity, creativity and thriving become more accessible. Money-related or otherwise, shame forces us into a place of humiliation and retreat and disrupts our wellbeing and our relationships. Moving forward with freedom and clarity is possible as we develop authentic community, empathy, and self-compassion.
So what can we do to free ourselves from the detrimental impact of shame?
First, awareness. We may have never thought about the things we’ve grown ashamed of over the years, especially if they’re particular to our families. A good place to start is considering which conversations you tend to avoid having with family members, friends, or colleagues. Career choice, body weight, spending, and relationships are common areas. But the possibilities are endless. Be curious and compassionate with yourself.
Second is people. Finding people — a trusted inner circle — that you feel safe with will allow you to be vulnerable and share the parts or behaviors of you about which you feel shame. Love and friendship are effective antidotes for shame. Talking about your shame can be a very effective way of taking away its power and letting go of it. As Brené Brown says, “shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” She further describes a continuum between shame and empathy, where the experience of giving and receiving empathy causes shame to recede and allows us to move past it.
With respect to money and wealth, there are many high quality peer networks that are safe and discreet. These can take the form of rising generation cohorts, philanthropic giving circles, investing groups, and more. Coaching can also be an effective way to work through shame with a trusted and unbiased professional.
And finally: purpose. Finding and articulating purpose allows us to shift our focus towards our aspirations and the present moment and away from shame. In the case of money shame, for example, when we can identify the purpose of our money in our lives and how we might want our money to benefit others, we feel less shame. We see shame and purpose as opposite ends of a continuum, much like Brené Brown’s idea about the shame empathy continuum.
Part of letting go of shame is realizing that the anticipation is almost always worse than any actual shame that arises when we talk about it. We feel shame about our shame. In the children’s book “Arthur,” for example, Arthur is distraught about the possibility of kids seeing him in his underwear; it’s only when his worst fear actually happens and his friends see him in his underwear after his pants rip that he’s able to quickly move on and live his life.
Ask Yourself
Take a moment to reflect — what about you?
- How did you experience shame as a child?
- How about as an adult?
- How has the experience of shame changed you as a person?
- Do you carry money shame?
Shame, as we shared, is universal. Rather than feeling shame about our shame, we can take comfort in knowing we are not alone. By treating our own shame with curiosity and compassion, we can gain valuable insights about our lives. And by being aware of the role shame plays in our society, we can be a resource for others to do the same and live their most authentic lives.
