The Life-Changing Magic of Keeping (Some Of) Your Thoughts Inside Your Head
By Gabrielle Sills with Marlis Jansen
Think of the last person who offered you unsolicited advice or criticism. Chances are it was someone in your family — was that the case for you?
When we’re with family, we don’t always filter ourselves like we do with friends or coworkers. This can be a good thing: we’re often more comfortable and transparent with family members — but it can also mean that we’re more likely to say things that are… unnecessary.
Are some thoughts better left unsaid?
A world without privacy
I was reminded of this recently while watching The Three-Body Problem, a television series based on the bestselling book series by Cixin Liu (spoiler alert: this post reveals a key plot line from the book/series).
In the story, Earth is targeted by a highly advanced alien civilization that deploys “sophons” — tiny surveillance devices capable of observing every action and conversation on the planet. Liu writes that in this world, “Humanity has no secrets at all. Every meeting room, every file cabinet, the hard drives and memory of every computer — there is nowhere [the aliens] do not see.”
The situation seems unwinnable, but luckily the aliens have one key limitation: they know everything that humans are doing and saying, but not what they’re thinking. They can’t read humans’ minds. “Humanity still has secrets,” Liu explains, “in the inner world that each of us possesses.”
Our inner worlds: humanity’s secret weapon
This ability to keep thoughts private becomes the cornerstone of humankind’s strategy to defend themselves in Liu’s series: a few chosen people called “Wallfacers” are selected to devise and execute plans, with expectation that they will keep those plans secret — even from the Wallfacers’ own support teams — as they strive to mislead and defeat the aliens.
This storyline reminded me of something important. In a world where every thought can become a tweet, our minds remain sacred spaces. I take it for granted that I can have a thought and no one in the whole world will know it unless I choose to tell them. In the privacy of my mind, I can mull things over, refine my thinking, and keep some thoughts private. Pretty extraordinary.
In addition to the privacy this evolutionary “feature” bestows, it’s helpful because so often our thoughts miss the mark and are not ready to be shared – at least in their initial form. Even the smartest among us have thoughts that are exaggerated, off-the-mark, or just plain wrong.
The benefit of this gift is that we can selectively share, shape, or shed our thoughts, and thereby also shape our experiences. Psychologists Kelley and Pransky refer to this as the “thought-experience connection:” thoughts impact emotions, which impact our reactions, which impact our experiences, which impact our thoughts again. It’s a feedback loop. This is why we can morph what may first comes to mind as regret into appreciation for what we learned. Why we can pivot sadness from a loss to gratitude to what we got to experience.
In a world where agency can feel hard to come by, there’s something comforting in that power. We can’t always control our circumstances. Or the thoughts that pop into our heads — especially the unkind, petty, or self-critical ones. And there’s no shame in those thoughts. But we can choose how we respond. As Rachel Dawes says in Batman Begins, “It’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you.”
This applies to spouses, too
There’s a common trope that your partner should be your “best friend” — the person you tell everything to. Add in the fact that it’s easier than ever to be in constant communication and that many couples now live and work in close quarters, it can create a kind of emotional fusion, where every passing thought and feeling gets shared.
And yes, sharing builds closeness. I relate to this — I love to debrief, discuss, and reflect, and my husband is usually happy to oblige. But even then, I’ve learned that not every thought needs to be shared. I feel closer when we reunite at the end of those days in which we haven’t been in constant texting/speaking communication. I love being able to give feedback, but know that it resonates more when it’s not on the heels of several other suggestions.
Esther Perel touches on this in Mating in Captivity, when she writes, “I am not convinced that unrestrained disclosure — the ability to speak the truth and not hide anything — necessarily fosters a harmonious and robust intimacy.” The accumulation of trivial details between a couple, she explains – how they’ve spent every minute of their day, what they’ve had for lunch, and the constant barrage of memes (my husband I are certainly guilty of this one) – can mask a dearth of meaningful connection.
Relationships thrive not just on sharing, but on respecting the space between two individuals. There’s a difference between honesty and offloading. And just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be said.
Final thoughts
The same goes for other family members: just because we’re related doesn’t mean we’re required to swap every thought.
Counselors in training will often hear the acronym “WAIT” (Why-Am-I-Talking) to help them decide if they should be speaking or listening in a given moment. Whether it’s a criticism, unsolicited advice, or judgment, it’s worth asking: does this need to be said?
Ask yourself:
- What’s a thought you’ve kept to yourself recently?
- Do you tell your spouse/sibling/friend *everything,* or do you keep some thoughts to yourself?
- How do you think about secrecy vs privacy?
