Rethinking Narcissism: What If the Problem Isn’t Just One Person?
By Marlis Jansen
How many people do you know who claim to have a narcissist in their family — or at least know one? It’s become a kind of cultural shorthand referring to anyone we perceive to be overly self-centered. Whether it’s an ex, a difficult parent, or a self-absorbed colleague, we’re quick to slap the label on someone whose behavior frustrates or hurts us. A Google search for “narcissist” yields hundreds of millions of results, including everything from pop psychology articles to TikTok therapists doling out advice on how to “go no contact,” and those searches have massively increased over the past 10 years.
In a previous blog post, we wrote about “big personalities” — those folks who seem to dominate family events, team meetings, or friend groups. Their energy and focus draw the spotlight, often at the expense of everyone else in the room. It’s easy, and sometimes satisfying, to diagnose them in our minds: narcissist. Case closed.
But is it really that simple?
Is Narcissism Overdiagnosed — or Just Overused?
While the word “narcissist” has become increasingly common in public discourse, the actual clinical diagnosis — Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) — is still relatively rare. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the prevalence of NPD in the general population is estimated at 0.5% to 5%, depending on the study. Compare that to the cultural usage of the term, and it becomes clear: we’re using “narcissist” far more liberally than psychologists are diagnosing it.
One study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that while interest in narcissism has surged — particularly online — actual diagnostic rates have remained stable over the past few decades. Another study showed that the term “narcissist” was used in media headlines nearly ten times more often in 2020 than in 2000. This suggests we may be pathologizing difficult personalities without deeper context or understanding.
Looking Beyond the Label: A Systems Approach
The overuse of the narcissism label can obscure a deeper truth: human behavior doesn’t occur in a vacuum. Focusing solely on one person’s pathology — however intense — prevents us from seeing the full family, group, or team dynamic. The real opportunity lies not in diagnosing individuals, but in understanding how patterns of behavior evolve within systems.
This is where the concept of the “Self–Other Orientation Continuum” becomes useful.
Imagine a spectrum. On one end, we have extreme self-orientation, where a person is primarily concerned with their own needs, goals, and feelings — this is where we’d place narcissistic tendencies. On the other end lies extreme other-orientation, where a person consistently prioritizes others’ needs at the expense of their own — think chronic people-pleasers, enablers, or codependents.
Both extremes are unhealthy and create complicated interpersonal dynamics. And most of us land somewhere in the middle.
A Real-World Example: The Family Dinner
Let’s say you’re at a family dinner. One sibling, Alex, dominates the conversation — steering it toward their recent accomplishments and struggles. Meanwhile, another sibling, Jamie, quietly defers — offering support, agreeing readily, and avoiding conflict even when Alex interrupts or dismisses them.
Alex might be labeled the narcissist. But Jamie’s consistent withdrawal and deference contribute to the dynamic too. The group starts to revolve around Alex not only because of their assertiveness, but because no one else interrupts the pattern. Jamie’s people-pleasing may keep the peace short term, but it reinforces the imbalance. In the psychological literature, Jamie might be labeled a “co-narcissist.”
In this example, the relational dysfunction doesn’t stem from a single personality disorder. It stems from how members of the group respond to each other over time, based on where they fall on the Self–Other Orientation Continuum.
What’s the Takeaway?
- Rethink the label. Before calling someone a narcissist, consider everyone involved and what dynamics might be at play. Labels can close conversations; curiosity opens them.
- Ask yourself. Where do you fall on the Self–Other Orientation Continuum? Are you more assertive or more accommodating? And how does that shape your relationships?
- Name the patterns, not the people. Whether at work or at home, shifting the focus from “who’s to blame” to “what patterns are present” creates space for change.
- Support the system. Helping everyone in the group — especially those who have learned to defer, suppress, or over-function — is just as important as setting boundaries with the more dominant voices.
By widening our lens from the individual to the collective, we gain a richer, more compassionate, and ultimately more effective understanding of relational challenges. Maybe the real question isn’t “Who’s the narcissist?” but “What is the dynamic?”
Sources
- American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.)
- Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement.
- Paris, J. (2014). “The rise and fall of narcissism.” Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 59(4), 173–174.
- Foster, J. D., Campbell, W. K., & Twenge, J. M. (2003). “Individual differences in narcissism: Inflated self-views across the lifespan and around the world.” Journal of Research in Personality.
