Can A Prenup Bring You Closer?

By Marlis Jansen

Prenuptial agreements often stir up deep emotional challenges rooted in trust, power dynamics, and identity. They can feel like a lack of faith in the relationship, especially when one partner brings significantly more wealth, creating perceived inequality or control. For some, a prenup raises fears of being seen as a threat to a family legacy or of having their non-financial contributions undervalued. The legal and financial language often feels at odds with the emotional intimacy of the relationship. Family pressures can compound the tension. At their core, these agreements tend to touch on deeper fears about belonging, partnership, and the meaning of commitment.

There are certainly good reasons NOT to do a prenup. But can the process of creating one actually bring a couple closer than they were prior to doing it? At Graddha, we enjoy facilitating empowering conversations with couples and families about prenups and, more rarely, cohabitation agreements. For younger couples, this is usually the first time they have considered the financial implications of breaking up. The commitment they feel toward each other and the optimism they share about their future creates cognitive dissonance and an emotional barrier to the process. Older couples and couples who are not entering their first marriage are more likely to see its value.

Here are a few strategies for unifying the couple in the prenup process:

• Connect with nature. It is helpful to get away from the day-to-day routines. Find a dedicated space with natural beauty if at all possible. We have done weekend workshops in the Hudson River Valley, for example, where the beautiful scenery is relaxing and sets a tone for deep listening.
• Psychological safety is key. Create a safe space for each member of the couple to share any and all feelings about the prenup. We worked with a couple recently where the wife-to-be was able to safely share her feeling of disgust at her fiancé’s parents for requiring that she enter into the agreement. She interpreted their demand as dehumanizing and a sign of mistrust. It also conflicted with her cultural background. Her fiancé shared his feelings of resentment toward his parents for putting him in the position of having to ask his fiancé for the prenup.
• Purpose matters. Have the couple write a purpose statement that expresses their shared values and vision for their relationship. One simple template for getting started is to complete the following:
  - We value….
  - We are building a life that…
  - We want to make sure that…
• The agreement must meet the needs of both partners. Have the couple articulate all of the scenarios that could arise during the marriage and the financial treatment of each. The prenup can truly be an expression of mutual care. For example, how will the moneyed spouse make it financially safe for the spouse with fewer financial resources to sacrifice their career in favor of family? What will happen if the spouse with more financial resources dies?
• The couple must be in charge of the process, not family members or attorneys. Have the couple write down all of the specific agreements they would like to include and meet with a mediator prior to working with their own attorneys. The mediator can help them put a term sheet together to inform the drafting process. And it’s good to remember that a prenup can be amended at any time by the couple.

While it is true that the prenup process can be divisive, there are many other factors that will present themselves during marriage or otherwise committed partnership. Like children. In Laws. Professional challenges. Being forced to consider very specifically the division of money and property should they split up will only prepare them for these often surprising externalities.

As one of our clients says, “It’s better to get divorced first!”

By which she meant: have the hard conversations now. Face your fears together. And emerge stronger on the other side.